The Best of Late Night

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day
10."Ted, meet Carl - he's going to be joining us this evening"
9. "I got us two tickets to 'Norbit' "
8. "Don't hang up, directory assistance lady -- you're my Valentine!"
7. "There's a diaper-wearing astronaut at the door for you"
6. "If you want to cuddle afterward, it's another $50"
5. "Valentine's Day is on the 14th this year?"
4. "I got you the smallest box of chocolates because frankly, you're too damn tubby"
3. "We'll do something in a couple of days - it's Late Show Ventriloquist Week"
2. "I picked these flowers up at the cemetery"
1. "Table for one, Mr. Letterman!"

-David Letterman

"Valentine’s Day is the day you should be with the person you love the most. I understand Simon Cowell spent the day alone."

-Jay Leno

"The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone your love is worth $3.99."

-Conan O'Brien

"Michael Jackson has introduced his own line of Valentine’s candy. It’s tremendous. It’s white chocolate with a nut inside."

-Jay Leno

"In schools now, all the kids have to give Valentines to all the other kids so nobody feels left out. I don’t get that. You’re just delaying the disappointment to later in life."

-Craig Ferguson

"Did you all watch the Grammys last night? Congratulations to the Dixie Chicks. They won five Grammys. I don’t want to say that President Bush was upset but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. I guess that only works once."

-Jay Leno

"Remember the group, The Police? They said, "We’re never going to get back together.” They announced their world tour today. People tend to be nostalgic for when they were in their early 20s. I am nostalgic for the 80s. There’s already a 90s, revival. Think about it: There’s a Bush in the White House; We’re at war with Iraq; Tupac has a new album out."

-Craig Ferguson

"This month a "Star Wars” memorabilia company started selling $120 replicas of Yoda’s light saber. After hearing about it, "Star Wars” fans said, "That’s ridiculous; for $120 we could lose our virginity."

-Conan O'Brien

"When Al Gore presented the 'Best Album' award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20% hotter than they were 20 years ago."

- Jay Leno