The Best Of Late Night

"Paris Hilton in the cooler. And you know the problem with Paris being in prison, she’s surrounded by sex offenders; she’s surrounded by drug dealers; felons . . . you know, just like when she was on the outside."

-David Letterman

"All 10 Republican presidential candidates took part in the debate. Ten. Experts say it was like many of history’s classic debates, except with eight extra people. "

-Conan O'Brien

"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that’s nothing. I pretended to be a student for four years!"

-Jay Leno

"During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s "don’t ask, don’t tell policy” for gay soldiers. "Don’t ask, don’t tell” would be replaced by a new policy, 'Don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.'"

-Conan O'Brien

"A lot people make fun of Los Angeles. They say we have no soul; we’re always in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, I don’t see any other city throwing Paris Hilton in jail."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"They say she has three blankets, but no pillow. I actually feel a little bit bad for her, especially since I’ve stolen so many pillows from Hilton Hotels."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, "I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name."

-Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight was the season premier of "America’s Got Talent.” David Hasselhoff is one of the judges. Should David Hasselhoff really be judging other people’s talents? That’s like getting your hair cut by Donald Trump."

-Craig Ferguson

"Angelina Jolie celebrated her 33rd birthday. Happy Birthday to Angelina Jolie. She adopted a cake."

-David Letterman

"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kenvorkian was on "Larry King Live.” When Kevorkian saw Larry King he said, "I swear, he was like that when I got here."

-Conan O'Brien

"Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you’re not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously. That’s like the NRA hosting Dick Cheney’s duck hunt. "

-Craig Ferguson