The Best Of Late Night

"Osama bin Laden’s son Omar just got married. Let’s see how he likes being terrorized."

-David Letterman

"A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disapproval rating which makes him the least popular vice president in U.S. history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney’s wife and kids."

-Conan O'Brien

"Today family values conservative Republican senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted that he has had sex with prostitutes. Apparently, years ago this Sen. Vitter guy had been seeing one of the D.C. madam’s escorts. You think the senator is embarrassed how about the hooker? Now the whole world knows she had sex with a politician."

-Jay Leno

"Ryan Seacrest attended Eva Longoria’s wedding. He said he cried during the ceremony because it was so moving. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul cried because it was a cash bar."

-Conan O'Brien

"They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years."

-David Letterman

"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right because the new movie is called "Harry Potter and the Low-Yield Municipal Bonds."

-Conan O'Brien

"It so different living in Beverly Hills when it’s hot. It’s just different. Like the kids out here, when it gets hot, in my neighborhood they set up a lemonade tasting stand."

-Jay Leno

"This week, the city of Pamplona, Spain is hosting the annual running of the bulls. Or as the bulls call it, the annual trampling of the jerks."

Conan O'Brien

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He is now doing something called his "poverty tour” where he is visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today — John McCain’s headquarters."

-Jay Leno

"It’s our president’s birthday. He’s 61 today. Also, Sylvester Stallone is 61 today. But Stallone and Bush don’t have much in common. One’s a bad actor who mumbles and blows stuff up, and the other is Sylvester Stallone."

-Craig Ferguson